Just over 11 years ago, a visionary writer at the Houston Press, Joshua Justice, put together one of the most important lists in food journalism history: Houston’s 10 Best Bathrooms to Bang In. Tragically, six of the nine listed businesses have since closed, I believe the time has come to continue Justice’s legacy. Over the past year, I have meticulously polled industry professionals, bar owners and neighborhood drunks to bring you the best restaurant and bar bathrooms for boinking. In addition, I’m providing suggestions on what to order at each bar.

Remember, this article is entir — um, mostly a joke, and we at Houston Food Finder do not endorse inappropriate behavior at bars. On the other hand, don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life.

10) Ninja Ramen, 4219 Washington: Owner Christopher Huang states his currently “out-of-order” women’s restroom is perfect. If you sneak behind the storage freezer in front of the restroom door, you are welcomed by a surprisingly clean space and a full-length mirror. Huang promises to upgrade by putting a barstool in the restroom. (Bonus points if you figure out how to make the Pew Pew Toy Gun Saloon work instead.) Recommended drink for getting in the mood: Barrel-Aged Malort and a ramen broth chaser.

9) Camerata, 1830 Westheimer: The wine bar that operates in connection with iconic Montrose Italian restaurant Paulie’s arguably has the comfiest restroom on the list. Yes, I did say that in the singular, so you may have to wait your turn, and, unfortunately, the entrance is not well-hidden. However, the room itself is massive, and the amenities are fantastic, with the highlights being a full, padded bench with some extra soundproofing, quality soap and cloth hand towels. This is a restroom designed for comfort. Recommended drink for getting in the mood: sake. While known for wine, Camerata has some of the best sake in the city.

8) Starduster, 3921 North Main: This is a “hear me out”. Barely wider than your average person and not all that much bigger in length, Starduster reminds you that it’s not the size that counts but how you use it. The one, single-stall restroom is separated from the rest of the bar by a foyer that is often only lit by a disco ball, and it is built like a bull shoot, giving you the best eight seconds of your night. Recommended drink for getting in the mood: Freezer Cosmo.

7) The Library, 8510 Long Point: The casual elegance and helpful staff make The Library the perfect first date spot. Set way in the back, with large private rooms — each with their own pile of books — the restrooms make for the perfect place to end a first date. Just remember to be quiet. Recommended drink for getting in the mood: the menu and availability change frequently, so talk to the bartenders.

6) Lee’s, 5117 Kelvin One of the newest bars on the list, and another “hear me out”. To say the entrance is a bit conspicuous would be a massive understatement.  However, if you decide to go for it, the restroom’s pastel pink walls and minty green appliances  is where the bar’s color-centric theme really shines. In a utilitarian sense, the room has the basics, including a sink that is not just mounted to the walls but supported by metal legs as well, adding sturdiness. For some reason, the armoire in the corner really ties it all together creating what can only be described as “Grandma-chic”. Recommended drink for getting in the mood: Appleteeny!

5) Nickel City, 2910 McKinney: With a drink list full of shots, most under $7, this popular East End pseudo-dive gives you the best “bang for your buck”! A while back, after reading my Turner’s Cut article, bartender Minh Nguyen said, “If you ever write about us, please be normal.” This is my way of saying, “No.” 

The restrooms at Nickel City are all single-occupant-ish, and the entrances are in a separate room, which makes it easy to sneak in unseen. The designs rely solely on simple but fun checkerboard tiles, so nothing too fancy. The restroom on the far left is probably the biggest but has the most chance of getting caught. Do with the knowledge what you will. Recommended drink for getting in the mood: a shot of Old Grand Dad.

4) Two-Headed Dog, 3100 Fannin: This dive-y Midtown bar with amazing cocktails has somewhat iconic bathrooms. There are two spacious, single-occupancy (theoretically) restrooms that, more than any other, utilize the decor. Two-Headed Dog sets the mood with walls that are lined with vintage Playboy magazines, and afterwards you can skip the awkwardness by engaging in some pleasant small talk as you discuss your favorite articles. Recommended drink for getting in the mood: Daiquiri.

3) Refuge, 1424 Westheimer: What screams classy like a cocktail bar where the entire staff has to wear bow ties? I know that this article is meant to be tongue-in-cheek (or wherever else, I’m not judging) but this dimly lit, upscale cocktail bar has the ultimate date-night vibe, and the restrooms are perfect for this list. Separated from the rest of the bar, the doors are down a private corridor that is out of sight from the staff. Each room is spacious and clean. The only downside is they only have air dryers. Recommended drink for getting in the mood: Cadillac Margarita.

2) Anvil, 1424 Westheimer: I know, it is weird that Bobby Heugel has two bars on here (honestly, Better Luck Tomorrow could have made the cut, too), but he clearly had a vision for how he wanted the facilities at his establishments to be used. I haven’t personally seen it, but nearly every industry friend says the women’s restroom at Anvil is an s-tier hook-up spot.  Recommended drink for getting in the mood: Ramos Gin Fizz. The staff particularly loves making them in bulk!

1) The Blind Finch, 5210 FM 2920, Spring: Maybe it’s the Prohibition-era atmosphere, maybe it’s the potent cocktails or maybe it’s the excitement of live music and the near-weekly burlesque shows, but The Blind Finch in Spring has the most sex appeal of any cocktail bar in the greater Houston area. And the restrooms (particularly the one on the left) seal the deal. There are two spacious, “single-person” restrooms with somewhat sturdy sinks. (Apparently, one has been broken before.) While the decor on the right features classy-but-alluring art of scantily-clad people, the restroom on the left truly deserves a chef’s kiss (or something of that nature). The olive walls are lined with dozens of small, well-hung mirrors and in the corner there is a velvety spectator’s (cuck’s) chair, making you the star of your own show. Recommended drink for getting in the mood: Preakness.

Bonus: If you don’t drink but need a hookup spot, Active Passion at 803 Usener is your place to go! The shop has great coffee and a diverse mocktail menu. As it is, Active Passion regularly gets calls from potential customers because they mistake the name for Act of Passion. The restrooms are massive, clean and, for some reason, color-coded. Recommended drink for getting in the mood: Fancy Palmer.

Ryan Kasey Baker